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Landailyn
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Quote Landailyn Replybullet Posted: June/12/2010 at 2:52pm
My sister was born in my living room (with a midwife) when I was 13.  I grew up after that point with people thinking she was my kid, and my parent thought it was funny.  I was traumatized.  I hated every moment of it.  I even yelled at people for assuming she was my kid.

I spent the next 10 years swearing I would never, ever have kids and that I hated them. 

The last year and a half, the idea is growing on me.  I still wouldn't have one now, and I would absolutely NOT give birth myself (the idea terrifies me) but I've started to think that someday when my life is more stable, I have a better job, and a partner I can trust, that I would consider adopting.
Why are you looking for love?
Why are you searching as if I'm not enough?
'Cause I'll be by your side, wherever you fall
In the dead of night, whenever you call, and
Please don't fight, these hands that are holding you.
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LucieMay
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Quote LucieMay Replybullet Posted: June/12/2010 at 3:21pm
There is absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting kids or marriage, it's purely down to personal choice. I am very conformist in the way that I do want the whole package. My parents were married for 30 odd years till my mum died in 2002. They adored each other and had three kids and loved us very much. I was very lucky to have such an unbringing and always assumed when I grew up the same would naturally happen to me. My dad is a lovely guy- loving and a great provider. I naively assumed I'd meet a guy like him early on and be as happy as my parents were. But I've ended up on my own with my son and a trail of broken romances behind me.
 
Zombie Phelgm and laidalyn were very right about the honeymoon phase. My ex and I were infatuated with each other, besotted even, but we didn't love each other deeply and honestly for the people that we were.
 
Eaten Placenta- It is sad that your mother ended up like that and I can definitely relate to bit about wanting to create a "normal" family. A lot of it is residual guilt on my part that my son doesn't have a dad around. He was conceived after a brief fling but I wanted him as soon as I knew I was pregnant as I have always wanted children. His dad is a complete and utter shitbag for many reasons and he actually wanted us to be a family. I took the hard choice while I was pregnant for us not to be together to save my son the pain of us splitting later. I tried for 18 months for his dad to be a part of his life but ended up having to cut him out (for many reasons, but mainly that he got drunk while looking after my son and we had to call the police).
 
I am extremely protective of him though and it's very important to me that if I did settle down again, that any man loved him as his own. Of the three guys I've been involved with since he was born, he only met them on a handful of occasions and only knew them as my friends. I have quite a lot of lads as friends so he didn't make the distinction between them and my other friends. I mainly saw them on nights out or at night after he was in bed. I certainly wouldn't allow anyone to live with us or spend a lot of time with us until I was sure he was suitable and it was going to last. I have my own house and a fairly good job and I've always been very practically and financially independent. I wouldn't open up that side of my life very easily to a man, if ever.
 
And Laidalyn- You're totally right. I'm wrought with insecurities. I'm fairly confident in many areas of my life- I'm no stunner, but I'm attractive enough, I have a decent figure as I do regular exercise and eat well. I'm confident at work and in my intelligence. I'm a good mother and I'm very much loved by my family and friends. BUT at my core, I feel unlovable by a partner. Being continually loved by a partner is something that has always eluded me. And as such, i now feel that I am not worth it. I know logically that this is wrong and I've made bad choices and had bad luck but I don't know how to overcome it. i don't know how to convince myself I'm worth the love of a good man. I don't know how to be happy and at peace with myself enough in case the right guy never comes along. But I do need to learn how.
 
WOW long post!
Caustic blonde.
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CheapPerfume
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Quote CheapPerfume Replybullet Posted: June/12/2010 at 4:02pm
My biggest fucking pet peeve EVER is when people tell me, "Oh, you're young, you'll change your mind about having kids." 23 is not THAT young - many people my age are already married or have already had a kid. I am fully capable of making life decisions, thanks. I do not like children. I don't think they're cute. I think they're expensive and a time suck. I want my life to be MY life, and not have to make sacrifices for some little twerp, and have my life revolve around them. Yep, I'm selfish. So now when people tell me that I'll surely change my mind because I'm so young I tell them to get bent.
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eatenplacenta
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Quote eatenplacenta Replybullet Posted: June/12/2010 at 4:06pm
Originally posted by CheapPerfume

My biggest fucking pet peeve EVER is when people tell me, "Oh, you're young, you'll change your mind about having kids." 23 is not THAT young - many people my age are already married or have already had a kid. I am fully capable of making life decisions, thanks. I do not like children. I don't think they're cute. I think they're expensive and a time suck. I want my life to be MY life, and not have to make sacrifices for some little twerp, and have my life revolve around them. Yep, I'm selfish. So now when people tell me that I'll surely change my mind because I'm so young I tell them to get bent.

yeah, that's pretty much how i feel, haha. i'm younger than you, only twenty-one, but a LOT of people i went to high school with are pregnant or have popped out a kid already so i must not be that young. my step sister is about to pop herself, and she's younger than me (twenty-one in august). like i said earlier i'm too selfish to give up my own life for someone else to that extent, and that's why i don't feel i'm suitable for a child.
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CheapPerfume
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Quote CheapPerfume Replybullet Posted: June/12/2010 at 4:17pm
I do want a husband though. Or at least a long term, monogamous relationship with a live-in boyfriend. I want someone to come home to and spend time with and share my life with intimately - more than just a best friend.

I just don't want to reproduce with them. lol

It's kind of surprising the number of guys I've met that want kids but the women don't. It seems kind of bass ackwards to me.
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eatenplacenta
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Quote eatenplacenta Replybullet Posted: June/12/2010 at 4:31pm
i've met a few girls who don't want kids, but i don't think i've met a guy who doesn't want a kid. especially at my age now i've noticed all the guys saying they want a wife and kids in their future, but most people i know don't think like i do. i'm not interested in marriage at all as well as kids, but i don't mind the idea of living with someone. i think i could do that, as long as i wasn't forced to be with them 24/7. i'm very solitary so i definitely need my space. i'd probably be happier living alone with a farm of animals, haha.
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thesounknown
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Quote thesounknown Replybullet Posted: June/12/2010 at 4:35pm
eaten, I know exactly what you mean.  I certainly never want kids or marriage or any of that blah blah blah. 

I do desire to be in a monogamous relationship with someone, but I don't think marriage means anything.  It's simply a dated religious ceremony that means way too much legally at this point.  Also it has been an institution of oppression for women for years (seriously why are women still changing their last names?)  Plus, I would never marry a man if same sex marriage wasn't legal.  I just don't think it's right or fair.

As far as kids, I've known my entire life that I don't want any.  I tell everyone up front that I hate kids and don't desire any of my own.  Even when I was a kid I didn't like those smaller than me.  Everyone in my family agrees I would make a horrible mother and should just stick to animals.  At this point, no one even says to me "Oh you might change your mind" anymore because they know it's never gonna happen.  Thankfully, my current partner doesn't desire children either.  Although sometimes I have my doubts about that... Either way I know that I was never meant to have the suburban nuclear family that everyone is supposed to desire, and I think that's perfectly fine.  People should really be able to choose whatever kind of life they want to lead, whatever that means.
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CheapPerfume
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Quote CheapPerfume Replybullet Posted: June/12/2010 at 5:22pm
Goodness, I certainly value my alone time. Sometimes it's hard to get my current boyfriend to understand that me wanting some time to myself doesn't mean that I don't like being with him or love him anymore. I just need me time to do me things. I would definitely need to have lived with someone for a few years before I even consider marrying them. That's such a huge part of marriage, is being able to put up with someone all day.

If I did get married, it would only be for the legal benefits. I don't give a hoot about the religious significance (atheist), and I don't need the expensive personal reassurance to know that someone loves me.
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eatenplacenta
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Quote eatenplacenta Replybullet Posted: June/12/2010 at 6:11pm
i don't seek a monogamous relationship, but i'm not apposed to having one if it stumbles into my lap, as long as my feelings are strong enough to want it. i'm not going to make an effort to date to find that special someone. if you seek it, it doesn't happen, in my opinion. i'm not interested in casual dating, sex, or an open relationship.

if i were to get married though, i wouldn't do the whole ceremony thing. i would just do the legal bit and that's fine. both my boy and myself aren't the party type, nor are we into big celebrations or lots of people. my family would support that, but his extended family is religious and would probably insist on it if they found out, not that he'd care since he doesn't speak to them, but they are probably a big reason why he wouldn't want a wedding among the fact that he doesn't like people.

i don't know. i don't want to do marriage or kids. i don't care how weird it comes off to others and how much others think i should do it.
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ZombiePhlegm
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Quote ZombiePhlegm Replybullet Posted: June/12/2010 at 6:18pm
I wanna shout it up into the no kids thing!

I want a vasectomy but I doubt anyone would allow me to do it... because they obviously know better than me. I think pregnancy is foul and it makes me feel sick.

Plus I doubt i'l ever be father material, I get bored of things very quickly and have a quick temper I wouldn't have the patience to be a good father and if I can't be a good father I don't want to be one at all!

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