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LucieMay
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Quote LucieMay Replybullet Topic: "You're my best friend...
    Posted: June/10/2010 at 5:26pm

... but I don't want a relationship with you..."

This isn't an advice thread, just an anonymous rant in a place where no one knows me in real life.
 
Three of my best male friends are guys who I've previously been involved with but decided they didn't like me "that way"... some of them were "situations" that spanned years.
 
My last ex did this to me. We were a couple for nine months, then attempted a friendship for three months which basically involved me hanging on for a second chance... a lot of shit went on I won't go into here but he was as desperate to retain the friendship as I was to retain the relationship and he ended up claiming to be desperately hurt at me ending the friendship cause I was his "best friend" even though I was the rejected one with the broken heart. All he could do was chatter on about his regrets we'd ever got involved cause he wanted me in his life forever as a best friend yada yada yada and HIS feelings of rejection that I didn't want him around.
 
Maybe I sound ungrateful but it is not a compliment for my exes to think I am friend material. i've worked hard three times to stay friends with these guys and I just couldn't do it again. I don't need any more friends to tell me what a great person I am, I want to be special and loved as a partner, not the girl that the lads like to have a laugh with and sexual banter. It's totally irrational and purely rejection talking but it makes me wonder what it is about me that screams "friend" and not "girlfriend". I don't have a problem attracting guys as such (that sounds big-headed, I'm not at all), it's simply the retention of them. It never seems that their "love" for me or strong feelings last very long at all. My longest was 18 months and I'm 30 years old. I just feel pathetic and unworthwhile. Most people in the world have good friends, their friendship does not make me special.
 
[/self pitying rant over]


Edited by LucieMay - June/10/2010 at 5:28pm
Caustic blonde.
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Zal VII
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Quote Zal VII Replybullet Posted: June/10/2010 at 6:45pm
Yeah, you can't stay friends with ex-partners easily; at least I don't think it would be easy, none of mine ever actually even want to speak to me.

I have to be honest and say that I don't think I would ever want any kind of social life with someone I had previously dated; at least seriously anyway, I daresay a couple of drunken fumbles will only create awkwardness. The reason I say this is that my exes know a great deal about me that I wouldn't want even my closest friends to know; there's always that worry that something might slip out.

I guess the other issue is that at some point, one of us would start dating again and, whilst I'm not jealous in a relationship, I'm a complete fucker when it ends. I'm not a bad person, but I hate it when I'm miserable and they're happy; I hate being rejected.

If they're shitty enough to end with you in the first place, don't hang around cos you're not worthless and you can do better. Nobody who cared would do it in the first place and it's only a waste of your precious time if you continue to pine for them.
My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed, my Father, prepare to die!
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Keiran1980
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Quote Keiran1980 Replybullet Posted: June/10/2010 at 7:03pm
"The difference between friendship and love is how much you can hurt each other"- Ashleigh Brilliant.

The way I see things is that almost every child in the playground has a "best friend" but very few adults do because emotions are more complex in adult relationships.

Rest assured you are not alone in your situation.
"Everyone is from somewhere.
Even if you've never been there." - Ian Anderson
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ZombiePhlegm
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Quote ZombiePhlegm Replybullet Posted: June/10/2010 at 8:21pm
I see best friends and lovers as people on the same level, sharing very similar feelings and yet also being slightly apart.

I haven't anyone that I'm all that close to anymore but back when I had people in my life that mattered to me I loved my best friends like I loved my lovers... it was just felt in a different way if that makes sense?



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femmefatalee
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Quote femmefatalee Replybullet Posted: June/11/2010 at 5:51am
i have the same problem.
i'm never seen as girlfriend material, only friends with benefits material.

i dont think ill ever fall inlove.
its feels good to know your mine.

now drive me far away.

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Amplexus
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Quote Amplexus Replybullet Posted: June/11/2010 at 6:45am
I keep my exes as friends precisely for the reasons that they know me better than alot of my other close friends. Plus, I figure that if I liked them enough for a relationship, they're def good enough to be a friend.
Glimmi says: But yeah theres that old saying you can't judge a book by it's cover, cause it could have like 60 piercings in it's cock......Well that's not how the saying actually goes but you get my point.
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eatenplacenta
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Quote eatenplacenta Replybullet Posted: June/11/2010 at 8:30am
i've only had one true ex and i haven't talked to him since he told me he had a kid on the way ages ago. i don't know if he's even still alive (wasn't exactly the most careful with his habits after i left him). once he cooled down after the break up we talked on and off, but i wouldn't have considered us good friends by a long shot. he wanted to do the friend thing when i left him, but it made things complicated immediately after the break up and we didn't speak for months soon after.

i'm never girlfriend material either. anyone i've been interested in always sees me as another one of the guys or like their own sister. i don't tend to share my feelings because of that, but i'm sure some of them in the past kind of had an inkling. the problem in the end though is me, and i don't think i should ever get involved seriously with relationship stuff. my first relationship made it almost four years, and i can understand that not working since we were pretty young when we hooked up and basically grew up at the end of it. we were just very different people and my interest was gone. my relationship now has lasted almost four years again, and i know if things don't change i'll be ending it again. i don't have a problem making specific relationships last (at least so far), but i've been accused of "leading men on". funny thing it has never been any of the ones i've been interested in, so i don't know what i've done there. it tends to be the desperate, clingy types. anyways, if this current relationship ends i also don't see it going to a friendship thing. knowing my boy he wouldn't want it, and i don't blame him. i really am not relationship material, and i doubt i'm much of a friend either.

sometimes it is better not to be friends with those people right away. things can get complicated and often feelings are mixed. that's what happened with my ex, and once we didn't speak for a while he seemed to be just fine when we did start speaking later on. some people just aren't worth the time and effort though, and things might have just changed too much for any real friendship to be worthwhile. like already said above it isn't common for adults to have many best friends. these guys just sound like selfish jerks anyways, playing the blame game.
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holelottalove
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Quote holelottalove Replybullet Posted: June/11/2010 at 9:34am
Originally posted by Amplexus

I keep my exes as friends precisely for the reasons that they know me better than alot of my other close friends. Plus, I figure that if I liked them enough for a relationship, they're def good enough to be a friend.
I try to do that too, so far always been lucky enough to break up mutually/on good terms.
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CheapPerfume
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Quote CheapPerfume Replybullet Posted: June/11/2010 at 10:10am
I'm also in the camp of women who's seen mostly as friend material, but never quite relationship material. Always just been "one of the guys", even though I'm pretty girly even around guys. I blame my super-sarcastic sense of humor. Recently one of my guy friends told me he wants to have sex with me, but doesn't want a relationship. That made things pretty awkward, and I really only talk to him online anymore.

One of the first guys I was with wound up having a girlfriend on the side (so I was the "other woman"), and I found out after we'd already messed around. When it got out he already had a girlfriend, I tried to just be friends, but that kind of fizzled out.

I think if my current boyfriend and I fully break things off here then I wouldn't want to stay friends. Two years is a long time to be with someone and I don't think I'd be able to know him in a non-relationship kind of way.

I'm a pretty damn good girlfriend, but no one seems to want to give me a shot, lulz.
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eatenplacenta
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Quote eatenplacenta Replybullet Posted: June/11/2010 at 10:16am
Originally posted by CheapPerfume

I'm a pretty damn good girlfriend, but no one seems to want to give me a shot, lulz.

i'd say i'm that for maybe the first year or two, but i think later on i just sort of go back to the way i normally am once the puppy love stage has passed. i mean, i'm not a bad girlfriend, i'm just not very affectionate. i won't do cute things and i won't write adorable notes, but i'll never cheat and i'll never lie either. some guys just like the cute stuff and i'm just not like that, at least not beyond the puppy love stage. it doesn't mean i don't care. i'm affectionate through touch, just not through words. problem is being affectionate through touch in a long distance relationship doesn't really work out.


Edited by eatenplacenta - June/11/2010 at 10:16am
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